Roger Clemens Threatens Entire Universe

As we know, Roger Clemens (pictured, lower left)…

…was mentioned in the Mitchell Report on Steroids In Major League Baseball.

Well, he was more than mentioned, the Clemens section of the report was eight full pages. In a nutshell, the report says that Clemens’ former personal trainer, Brian McNamee, procured and administered steroids and human growth hormone (HGH) for Clemens. By the way, Clemens’ affable sidekick and baseball’s resident choirboy, Andy Pettitte, said that he, himself did receive HGH injections from McNamee.

We also know that Clemens “vehemently denies” taking performance enhancing drugs. Well… actually, he has issued a written statement through his agent. Actually, Clemens hasn’t personally said anything publicly. From the statement…

“I want to state clearly and without qualification: I did not take steroids, human growth hormone or any other banned substances at any time in my baseball career or, in fact, my entire life, those substances represent a dangerous and destructive shortcut that no athlete should ever take.”

Evidently, Roger converses in a very lawyerly manner. Very nice, and thanks for the P.S.A. at the end there, Roger. Good to know you are looking out for the little shavers.

A couple of obvious things jump out here, though. He says he didn’t “take” any steroids or HGH. That’s not saying that somebody else, like Brian McNamee for instance, didn’t administer them. Also he uses the terms steroids and human growth hormone in context with the words “any other banned substances”. At the time that Clemens is alleged to have used the substances, they were not banned.

So, actually… Clemens hasn’t really denied McNamee’s claim in the Michell report. Vehemently or otherwise.

It’s all very, “depends on what your definition of the word ‘is’, is”.

Today, we have Clemens’ mouthpiece (err… attorney), Rusty Hardin, quoted by ESPN, with this threatening statement.

“Roger Clemens did not take steroids, and anybody who says he did had better start looking for a hell of a good lawyer.”

Whoa!!!

He’s not just talking about members of the press, or Bud Selig, or Brian McNamee, he’s saying “anybody”.

If you are a baseball fan, like me, and happen into a conversation with another fan in the near future, Clemens’ name is bound to come up. When it does, you will need to protect yourself because, trust me, you don’t want Rusty Hardin and a dream team of Stetson wearing shysters coming after you.

Here’s what you need to do when discussing Clemens if your standing around the water cooler, or having a few beers with friends over the holidays. There is a time honored, fail safe method to avoid legal action.

Every time you say the name, Roger Clemens, immediately follow that with word “allegedly”. Then, make your statement and once again, repeat the word allegedly. It may take a little getting used to but, remember it’s for your own protection. It goes something like this.

“Roger Clemens, allegedly, took steroids; allegedly.”

“Roger Clemens, allegedly, cheated at baseball; allegedly.”

“Roger Clemens, allegedly, is a lying, fat, fraud and I hate that stupid cell phone commercial; allegedly.”

“Roger Clemens, allegedly, is a spineless, snaky, untrustworthy weasel who speaks through his lawyer and can’t face his problems like a man, allegedly.”

You can never be to careful.