Pribek

My brother Jim has finally succumbed to the lure of the internet and has started to dip his toe in the pool by forwarding e-mails.

This is an excerpt from one that is relevant to my current station in life.

BAND CLAIRVOYANCE:

When requesting a song from the band, just say ‘play my song!’ We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we say we really don’t remember that tune you want, we’re only kidding. Bands do know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be… it helps jog the memory, or just keep repeating your request over and over again. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, ‘AW COME ON!’ and, ‘YOU SUCK!’ Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band’s memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of ‘Personal Friend Of The Band.’ You can bet your request will be the next song we play.

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. We don’t actually make set lists or rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then fake it. An entertainer’s job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don’t let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

Once you’ve figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your requests from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the better. If its a blues band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera. Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to request Brown-eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to constantly broaden their musical horizons, and its your job to see that it happens….immediately.