Pribek

Hmmmmmmmmmm…. We’ll have to keep an eye on this.

A painful breakup with his wife has prompted a man to put his entire life — his house, his car, his job, even his friends — up for sale online in an effort to start over.

Ian Usher, a British immigrant to Australia, said Tuesday he would auction everything he owns and more on e-Bay starting June 22.

“On the day it’s all sold and settled, I intend to walk out of my front door with my wallet in one pocket and my passport in the other, nothing else at all,” Usher says on his Web site.

Up for bid is Usher’s three bedroom house in the western city of Perth and everything inside it, his car, motorcycle, jet ski and parachuting gear.

Usher says he is also selling a one-time introduction to his friends and a trial run at his job — a plan endorsed by his friends and his employer.

If successful, this is the sort of thing that could prove very damaging to my potential start-up, Fake Your Own Death L.L.C.

At FYOD, we say, “cheer up, you’ve got your whole death ahead of you”. But, this guy-Ian, seems to think he has a loophole, that he can avoid the whole faking death part and accomplish the same thing on the up and up.

He still has to find some chump, some pigeon that wants his old life.

Usher said his life will be sold in one lot, and that bidders should expect to pay more than $390,000, which is the upper end of a realtor’s valuation of his house that he has posted online.

If Ian’s life is so great, why would he want to chuck it in the first place? Hopefully, anyone walking around with 390grrrr in their pocket will have enough good sense to ask themselves that question.

I’ll tell you what, if anybody has that kind of dough and they are thinking of placing a bid for the sloppy seconds of this guy’s dreary existence, I would urge you instead to contact my associates at the Law Firm of E. Morel and B. Javier.

At FYOD, we can set you up with a new house, new friends, new job-the whole nine yards and possibly interest you in some intriguing stock options as well.

A month or so ago, I wrote a post called “Fake Your Own Death L.L.C.”. In it, I speculated that there has to be a privately owned company somewhere that assists folks who would like to disappear. Since then, I have got a substantial amount of hits from people who typed things like “fake your own death” or even, “how do I fake my own death?” into a search engine. Seems to be some interest in doing this.

Then, I saw this news item in The Guardian.

Was he a victim of amnesia or a con artist who tried to fake his death to collect life insurance?

Whatever the answer, Britain is captivated by the tale of how John Darwin vanished after paddling into the North Sea in a canoe, was declared dead when its wreckage washed ashore, then turned up five years later at a police station claiming to have lost his memory.

Investigators suspect fraud: They arrested the 57-year-old former prison officer Wednesday on suspicion he faked his death so his wife could cash in on his insurance policy and move to Panama.

The story has become front-page news. The Daily Mirror claimed Darwin and his wife Anne were seen together after his disappearance and printed a photograph it said shows the couple standing in a Panama City apartment they rented last year. “Canoe’s This in Panama?” the paper chortled in its headline.

So, this cat, John Darwin, did attempt to fake his death it appears. Unless you believe the “amnesia” bit. I don’t because, the photo of him in Panama, with his wife was taken before he turned himself in. So, he couldn’t have been too bad off if he found her.

Clearly Mr. Darwin needed help in this endeavor. I mean, you have to have a better story than amnesia. And, that’s a fall-back situation anyway. It should have never come to using the amnesia story.

Looking at the evidence, I have come to the conclusion that there is a definite need for a service company like Fake Your Own Death L.L.C. My search stats indicate that there is surely interest in this service; in abundance. And, Mr. Darwin’s case is a prime example of what happens if people try this on a D.I.Y. basis.

I could serve the company in an administrative/supervisory capacity, no problem. I am going to require some investment capital. If you are a entrepreneurial sort contact me on the down-low, as they say. I am looking forward to a prosperous relationship with my new partner or partners.

And, for those of you seeking to fly under the radar, be looking for the grand opening of Fake Your Own Death L.L.C. Don’t take things into your own hands and end up like Mr. Darwin. Go with a name you know. Trust your future life to Fake Your Own Death L.L.C.

Well they say time loves a hero
but only time will tell
If he’s real, he’s a legend from heaven
If he ain’t he was sent here from hell

Hear me well
Seein’ ain’t always believin’
Just make sure it’s the truth that you’re seein’
Eyes sometimes lie, eyes sometimes lie
They can be real deceivin’

I got an Uncle in Puerto Rico
Spends his days in the sun
his nights in the casinos
He left the States many years ago
Took a fishin’ boat to Puerto Rico
Now my aunt, she is sad and lonely
She’ll never know that she drove him away
As a coward I admire his courageous ways

Well they say time loves a hero
but only time will tell
If he’s real, he’s a legend from heaven
If he ain’t he was sent here from hell

Some say my uncle, that he’s a zero
His life is as a shell, he left it back at Stateside
I’d say he’s doin’ pretty well, without his shell
Bumming ’round the beaches of Puerto Rico

The beauty of the sunrise and sunset
To his friends he wish he could tell
They’re at home still runnin’ for bells
Better San Juan than that blue collar hell

Well they say time loves a hero
but only time will tell
If he’s real, he’s a legend from heaven
If he ain’t he was sent here from hell

Time Loves A Hero
music by Bill Payne, Paul Barrere, Ken Gradney
Lyrics by Bill Payne, Paul Barrere

From the Official Little Feat Website

I love that song. Great groove, chord changes, it’s got unique harmonies going on in there. I’m partial to the “Waiting For Columbus” version myself.

The lyric though, I don’t know another song to compare it to. About a guy that just chucked his whole life, left the country and became a beach bum. All the while, his nephew, the narrator, sits back in silent admiration.

Who here among us hasn’t thought, fantasized, about leaving it all behind?

It’s kind of funny, I know several different people who swear that Elvis faked his own death. They bring up all kinds of suspicious details to make the case. My favorite involves the theory that the Elvis in the casket was really a wax dummy. And, there was a tiny refrigerator in there too to keep it from melting. There is a guy who claims to have tissue samples of Elvis from a Memphis doctor that don’t match the tissue samples taken from the cadaver; Says he’s done DNA tests.

Then you have the whole Andy Kaufman thing. I love a good conspiracy. Anytime I find someone who believes in the celebrity fake death scenario, I encourage them to tell me what they know.

So, recently I had one of these Elvis is alive conversations and, I egged it on a bit. So, I’m walking away and think momentarily, if anybody could pull off a fake death it would be somebody with money to burn.

Then, I thought, nah; It would be a logistical nightmare. There would be affairs to put in order and all the while none of it can look suspicious. All of the documents, do you create new ones or find a matching set from a person that meets your physical description that somehow doesn’t need them any more? Life insurance, how you going to deal with that? To have a fake death, you’re going to have to have a fake funeral.

Let’s face it, to fake your own death, there are going to have to be other people involved. Other people that are in the know that are going to have to keep their mouths shut, forever. No slip of the lip, no I had a few Jager Bombs and said some things I shouldn’t have. Where are you going to find a guy that can make a good wax dummy that can keep his mouth shut? Have you ever thought of that? Details; on and on and on.

There are also going to have to be a number of people that can’t know about it. There will be family members and friends that will have to be kept out of the loop as a practical matter. That has to be tough, knowing that you put countless people through a lot of grief and you’re out living the high life.

That brings up another problem. You are going to have to go somewhere, a place nobody will ever recognize you. A place where no one you know is ever going to show up at by coincedence. Or, you have to have radical reconstructive surgery that is so convincing that people who were close to you would never have a chance of ever recognizing you. And, you have to find a reliable doctor who will do it on the sly.

No, faking your own death, changing your identity isn’t practical.

Then an idea hit me. I was watching some show about real-life Mafia guys and there is this one guy who ratted on everyone else that’s still alive and in the witness protection program. They got his face blocked out and sound effects on his voice. And, I start thinking. I’ve seen a lot of TV shows about real-life miscreants and there is always one guy that ratted on everybody that’s in the Federal Witness Protection Program. You can’t have a show like that without that guy. If you saw a show about mobsters, drug dealers any of that stuff that didn’t have witness protection guy in it, it wouldn’t have any credibility.

So, over the years I’ve seen a lot of these guys. I mean, a lot of them. There is probably a show on right now with witness protection guy on it. Think about it, those are only the ones that want to be on TV. How many more of these guys are out there? Some people think that Elvis was in the witness protection program because he rolled over on some drug dealers. It makes more sense really than any other Elvis is alive story and partly because of all these guys you have seen on TV with the fuzzed up faces and funny voices.

How can the government pull this off time and time again? Think for a second.

This is the same government that kept sending my dad V.A. checks for 11 months after a death that he didn’t fake.

If bureaucrats can pull this off why couldn’t some firm in the private sector do it better? You know, the whole FedEx vs. the post office syndrome. It’s got to be going on, doesn’t it?

Think about it this way; Let’s say you are a gangster with a little money hidden away. The government comes to offer you a deal. Rat everybody out and we will give you a whole new life, protect you. You might very possibly want check out some other options. You might go looking for someone who specializes in faking deaths and new identities. A company that doesn’t do anything else, does this one thing and does it right. Unlike the Feds who have a few more things on their plate. So, if you find that other option, who are you going to go with?

Maybe, all of these guys with fuzzy faces and funny voices you see on A&E, are the ones that didn’t have any money left to hire somebody else to do the job.

It just makes sense. If there is a need for a type of service, a demand for something that people will pay good money for, somebody is going to have the smarts to fill the demand. See, even if the government is doing a bang up job with the witness protection program, it is mainly there for criminals. You still have all these rich celebrities that want to fake their deaths too. Where are they going to go? If there is a remote possibility that Fake Your Own Death L.L.C. does not exist at this point, it’s only a matter of time.

Just thought I’d throw it out there.